Today I Wasn’t Good Enough

Today I wasn’t good enough. 

Maybe you’ve felt this way sometimes, too?

About 70-85% of my days in this season of my life I do feel good enough. This hasn’t been true my whole life, and it might not be this way forever. Even so, that 15-30% of the time is wildly destructive, unfortunately unpredictable, and just plain frustrating. 

Each week I begin my Monday with an hour of prayer and community with Women Speakers Collective. This is a free prayer call for any woman to join, and it is truly a highlight of my week. Artist and writer Jordan Ravensbergen led a creative spiritual practice as part of this devotional time today that helped me safely explore this feeling of “not enough.” 

We began with an invitation: to creatively communicate with Holy Spirit. Then Jordan gently prompted us to think of a lie, worry, or negative thought that passes into our minds from time to time. I too easily wrote down

I’m not good enough to do what God has invited me to do.

Okay, phew! It didn’t kill me to say it out loud or write it on my paper. It was there. Available for all to see this vulnerable part of my mind. 

She then instructed us to write, draw, scribble, or otherwise express this thought. What does it look like? What else does it say? How does it make you feel? It’s common for children to express themselves on paper and pen in this way, but adults have to work harder at it I think. 

I began to scribble with a mixture of pens and markers, lines and circles. The more I expressed, the less clear I found my drawing. Suddenly I realized, the “not good enough” thought is less about ability or entitlement, but about clarity. 

With this new revelation I continued to draw, and out from the scribbles came two recognizable shapes: a window and a mirror. 

“Not good enough” only exists when my clarity about my purpose comes from the mirror. When I look at my own limited view of myself and the world around me. But when the clarity of my calling comes from the window, “not good enough” simply fades out of my vocabulary. Looking through the window is a far less limited view. There’s beauty, abundance, and a whole world beyond myself! I’m no longer the center of my own attention. I’m simply part of the magnificent creation of God, fearfully and wonderfully made. Through the window, my rubric for “good enough” changes. 

Already feeling more peace, I was ready to share my discovery with the other ladies when Jordan began part 2 of the exercise. On a new piece of paper, she asked us to write the truth instead of the lie or worry that we identify with, and then draw or express that creatively as well. 

The first thing I thought of was to write the opposite of that lie–that I am good enough to do what God has invited me to do. So often I immediately think “truth” is the opposite of “lie.” But in this case, that’s not true. 

I’ve told myself this truth before and believed it. I’ve put in the work to understand and agree with what God says about my value and worth. Nevertheless I knew it wasn’t what I should be writing down. 

Because the truth that I would use to combat this lie is the lie itself. 

I’m not good enough to do what God has invited me to do.

And that’s the whole point. God has invited me to do this work of preaching, teaching, and writing even though I’m not good enough to do it perfectly every time. And yet God still invites me to it.

Clarity comes not from looking in the mirror, but looking through the window. This means I can see the lie for what it really is: a distortion of the truth. And when I came into agreement with these words–seeing them for what they really are–they have no power to limit my life, faith, or accepting God’s invitation. 

Recognizing the lie was a distortion of the truth the whole time even made me laugh! How silly that it was so hard for me to even just write those words on my paper! It felt so vulnerable to get it out just a few minutes ago. Admitting our struggles is never easy. 

Now I laugh, knowing the same words I was scared to write I’m proudly in agreement with and sharing in a blog post for anyone else to read!

This is how lies can work; they aren’t always opposites or reversals of the truth. Sometimes they are, but more often than not, lies are misrepresented or misunderstood truths. 

My husband and I will frequently remind ourselves of the times we say the same thing and mean something completely different. For example, “We’re going to the church softball game.” I said these exact words with excitement in my voice! We were going to watch and support our friends, cheer them on, and socialize. I was looking forward to it. And Matt said these exact same words but with quite a different tone… More like I was dragging him along. He was thinking about all the people he would have to mingle with once we got there–a common reluctance for any introvert! He was thinking of how boring it would be to watch grown women and men who are not athletes in any sense of the word try to play ball. If you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, you can probably imagine these same words being said by Joy (me) and Sadness (Matt). “We’re going to the church softball game.” The same words can have a distinctly different meaning.

This is how it is with this truth, too. I can say “I’m not good enough” in a way that feels hopeless, isolating, and insecure. Or I can say it in way that brings me freedom, knowing that in my weakness God’s power is made strong! I can say it in a way of awe, knowing that God is gracious enough to not ignore my faults but still want me to show others who he is even in my lack.

As Jordan finished leading us through this creative practice, she invited us to also share with the group if we felt comfortable. And guess what? This thought of “not good enough” was felt by every single other woman in the room. Each of us shared a different version of how we felt “not good enough” and how it has held us back. Imagine, a room full of women who are limited by the same distortion of a truth.

What if we all just embraced this lie for the clear truth it really is? 

Today I wasn’t good enough. And praise God for that! Because that really is the whole point–I’m worthy of God’s love and my life being changed by him whether I’m “good enough” or not. 

And so are you.