Today was my birthday.
I turned 33 years old.
I am one of those people who love birthdays! I love celebrating my own and others’ lives. Birthdays are a reminder–and socially acceptable way–to intentionally celebrate each other. I believe in recognizing the intrinsic worth of each and every person, and birthdays are the perfect opportunity for that.
But there can sometimes be a heaviness to birthdays, too. Some birthdays feel sad when certain people aren’t around to celebrate with you. Other birthdays come with expectations that can be challenging whether they’re positive or not.
You may expect to feel a certain way when turning a certain age.
You may expect new freedoms and abilities.
You may expect to gain wisdom.
There are milestone birthdays, like turning 16, 18, 21, 30, and each decade after. Then there are less significant birthdays, like turning 17, 31, or any other number where nothing new comes with the age.
No matter the number, an opportunity to manage my expectations is the gift I’ve received every year.
I remember when I was a kid I had a birthday party with many friends and classmates at the local YMCA. We rented out the tumbling and trampoline center for a few hours of fun! Everyone who came brought me gifts, but it was not what I expected. I got a variety of soaps, bath bombs, and lotions. Literally, all the gifts I got that year from my peers were bath related.
These beautiful gift baskets smelled amazing! But I didn’t ask for them. Nothing on my list reflected a Bath & Body Works display. I don’t remember if I clarified what I would have wanted instead, although if anyone asked surely I would have told them, right?
On this birthday, I learned that no one really knew me well enough to know what to get me. I learned that the way most people experience friendships is not the same way I did. I learned to change my expectations of social connections and how to better build relationships. I learned to more clearly communicate what I want.
I remember my first birthday in college came shortly after my grandpa passed away. After visiting him in the hospital over Thanksgiving break, his health took a turn. His funeral was held on my birthday.
Obviously, this was not planned, not celebrated, and not expected. My whole extended family gathered to remember him, and I remember hugging many of them at the end of the service. As my cousin and I embraced, she said “Happy Birthday” with a shrug and a half smile. It was a simple gesture that made me feel seen. It was enough to honor me while not making light of the situation we were in.
On this birthday, I learned that even while celebrating there are still very real pains that can exist at the same time. I learned that celebrating my birthday doesn’t have to be done just on the calendar day it occurs. I also learned that it is possible to celebrate the joys of life no matter what else is happening.
This year on my birthday, my husband is sick. He woke up two days ago with a sore throat, and has since developed a bad cold. Runny nose, cough, dizziness, and an overall feeling of yuck plagues his body. Additionally, at work this week he was completing a big project, so he was gone more than normal. Basically, he’s busy, not feeling well, and not ready to celebrate.
Knowing he wasn’t feeling well and had a lot on his mind, I pulled from the lessons of previous birthdays and set clear expectations for us both.
I told him all I wanted was quality time whenever it worked for us both to be present. I said I wanted to go on a date to a fun restaurant with good wine and good conversation. And I told him to not try to force our date. If we could go out tonight, great, but if he wasn’t feeling up to it, we could go another time. We can celebrate my life on whatever day we choose. I just wanted us both to be present, focused, and available.
For the past 33 years, birthdays have given me an opportunity to learn and manage expectations in new ways. I’ll be honest–I don’t particularly love this lesson. It seems unfair that we should have to manage our expectations on the one day of the year it’s socially acceptable for the world to revolve around us. It’s a selfish take, I know. But it’s my blog, so I get to be honest here!
Even though I don’t always love the lesson, I do love what it teaches me. Managing expectations, especially on my birthday, has developed my empathy. It has humbled me. It has grown my capacity to love. It has helped me appreciate others. These are good lessons to learn at any age.
Today was my birthday. I turned 33 years old.
I’m grateful for another year to learn another lesson.
