Today I Was Overwhelmed

Today I was overwhelmed. 

I was overwhelmed with all the unknowns of my future. 

When I was younger, I was an incessant planner. I remember getting my first planner in school in 5th grade. It came standard from the school; a place to keep track of assignments and due dates to prepare for middle school the following year. The pages were colorful and had fun facts and encouraging quotes on them. 

Even before this, I had some kind of planner I liked to use. My mom carried a small calendar in her purse that she would always take out when scheduling haircuts and other appointments. I remember taking an extra one of hers, something branded by a pharmaceutical rep and given to her at the hospital she worked at. I didn’t have much to write in it, but I pretended anyway. It was just nice to fill the pages.

In high school and college I used a planner more in-depth, keeping track of homework assignments, breaks, jobs, and everything else that occupied my time. In my career and personal life I’ve used one, too, even keeping track of small daily tasks and reminders of when to pay bills. 

This week is a slower week in my life, and there are much fewer things filling my days. In fact, there are three whole days in my planner that are completely empty! 

At first, this was kinda nice! Three whole days with no obligations, no commitments, nothing required of me!

But as humans, we like to fill empty space. My brain didn’t take long to turn this unexpected 3-day break into a crisis of “not enough.” Not enough plans. Not enough work. Not enough income. Not enough impact.

Fear overtook me and I began to feel scared and overwhelmed at what the future holds–or lacks. I often see an empty calendar as an invitation, an opportunity even, for excitement and growth! Instead, I felt overwhelmed at the empty days ahead of me. All the trust and hope for my future was suddenly gone from my mind, replaced by doubt and anxiety. 

The root of the issue – loss of control. There’s just so much about the future I don’t know, and can’t guess, and can’t control. When will my default be remembering how much freedom there is in giving up control rather than fear of not being in control? I’m not sure, but until it’s my default, it remains a choice. And I choose freedom. 

Today I was overwhelmed. 

I was scared about what the future holds. But I know who holds the future, and I choose to trust in him instead.