The Problem With “Should”

“I should really pray more.”

“I should probably read the Bible more.”

“Christians should be generous.”

Should, should, should. 

It’s a word I’m trying to eliminate from my vocabulary. 

“Should” is one of those sneaky words that doesn’t have a bad meaning, but hearing it makes you feel bad. And it rarely leads to action. When was the last time you said you should do something and was inspired to do it simply because you know you should? 

Knowing we ought to do something often isn’t enough for us to actually do it. 

There’s a lot of psychology around this, but my field is theology, so that’s how we’ll deal with it today. I can think of four theological problems with should.

It Was Never a Phase

First, should leaves no room for acknowledging seasons or phases of life and faith. It equates the action of faith with a lightswitch, which turns on and off. 

• On, meaning your daily routine is full of Bible reading, prayer, generosity, service, justice, and all the other actions connected to a life of faith
• Off, meaning if you’re not following every word of Scripture perfectly, your faith is weak

But faith is not like a lightswitch. 

Faith isn’t isolated. It’s intricately intertwined with every aspect of our lives and being–that’s how God made us! This means our faith will ebb and flow through every age and stage of life, through every phase, and through every season.

To suggest a new mom in the throes of postpartum should have the same faith experience that the mom who just became an empty-nester is ludacris. Both can have a thriving, dynamic faith with completely different spiritual practices and time commitments. 

And this is just one example. There are endless ages and stages of life, countless phases and seasons we walk through, based on things like work, grief, culture, weather, traditions, and more.***

There’s Always a But

Next, there’s an implied “but” that follows every should. For example, “I should schedule a Sabbath this weekend, but I’m too busy.” Or, “I should wake up early for devotional time, but I’m usually tired in the morning.” 

“But” creates distance between the WHY and the HOW. 

Not only that, it gives more power to the HOW than the WHY. Christianity in America often focuses on how to live out the appearances of faith, but some other cultures focus more on why God is worthy of being trusted. In some traditions, mysticism is the mark of spiritual maturity, not things like prayer or fasting. Can you imagine what it would be like if your faith was just about being in awe of God?

Never Enough

Third, should is just another way to say “not enough.” Take the previous examples:

• I really should pray more… because my praying isn’t good enough or often enough or about enough. 
• I should probably read the Bible more… because I don’t know enough or I’m not Christian enough. 

Even the third example–”Christians should be generous”–a statement of action without saying “more” still implies lack. Lack of generosity is the easiest way to interpret this statement. But at a deeper level, it suggests a lack of understanding the incredible gift of God in the gospel. 

Which brings us to the last problem.

The Theology of Threat

To say that Christians should do anything can too easily translate into a transactional or threatening theology. The truth of the gospel is, it’s all gift. And God’s reckless love and overwhelming grace is completely independent of our shoulds. 

It’s a mystery of God that he really isn’t a transactional being. It’s a divine gift that God is so much more invitational than he is threatening. 

We say “Christians can be generous” because we were made in the image of a generous God. But to say should here severely limits our understanding of the gospel. 

Some people reading this may think, that’s not what I mean, and to that I reply, then say what you mean. Semantics is one of the most powerful tools we have for expressing what we believe. If we are to be lazy about how we talk about the gospel, we cheapen the gospel. We cannot responsibly say “should” without allowing people–consciously or subconsciously–to view God as threatening or transactional, of which he is neither.

May I suggest we talk about the gospel as it is–an invitation, not a threat? The gospel is simple. Let it be simple. 

The Solution

I won’t presume to think there’s an easy solution to this problem, like removing the word from our modern lexicon. Even if we did all collectively agree to stop using it, another substitute would pop up and we’d have this conversation again about another word! 

The problem is deeper than these six letters: S-H-O-U-L-D. It’s rooted in misunderstanding and misuse. So while I can’t fully solve the problem, I can write and teach and invite another way of thinking. 

Want to join me?

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***Dismantle the “shoulds” of your faith this June with Summer Soul Camp, a 4-week online journey of spiritual renewal designed to help your faith grow in every season! This year’s theme is Unforced Rhythms of Faith. Explore the WHY and HOW of topics like daily discipleship, weekly Sabbath, and yearly reflection for faith that flourishes through every season. Click here to register.

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