It took three weeks, but I finally felt a disconnect between my mind and my body.
I’ve been pretty intentional about taking care of myself and honoring my limits while I’m in Costa Rica. I knew this was going to be a marathon and not a sprint. So I’ve sat out of certain activities to be alone, take a nap, spend time abiding in God’s presence, and call my family sporadically throughout the past few weeks.
As I was journaling this morning, I realized I had some discomfort I needed to process. It wasn’t just feelings of frustration or sadness. It was a tension that felt separate from me, yet part of me at the same time.
I became more aware of the tension in my body than the peace in my soul.
The tension was louder, more noticeable. Peace still was present, but it wasn’t dominant. It’s hard to explain–this is the peace that goes beyond our understanding, so I can’t describe it quite accurately.
Here’s a quick glimpse into my journal from this morning to hopefully give you a better idea of what I mean:
I feel slightly “less than” myself. Some because of tiredness, some of not being alone with you, some being misunderstood by others. I don’t want to let these feelings hinder my ministry here. I don’t want these things to hinder my hearing of your voice. I want to reflect you, not me.
What’s interesting is that this journal entry comes just two days after I wrote this:
In some ways I feel like I’m embodying the “more of you, less of me” prayer. I’m not sure I look any more like Jesus, but I feel less like my old self. I feel more aware, more attuned to God.
Does the tension make sense now?
Recently I’ve been very aware of the peace of God that passes understanding, almost wrapped in it. My mind and body would relax into that peace even when I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, sad, confused, or anything else really. But as I write this I exist more in the space of tension than of peace. I’m choosing to see this awareness as a gift. Not a problem to be solved, but a gift to be acknowledged, knowing that God’s peace and truth are constant whether I feel them or not. Knowing the tension I’m experiencing for just today is a peek into the world of a person who may experience it everyday. It’s a gift I can open, hold, observe, and then decide what to do with it later.
Philippians 4:7 say, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” If you can relate, feel free to pray this verse with me.
